Gender Dysphoria is Not Cross-Dressing

This is the story of a beautiful woman and her self-discovery. The story about confusion, misunderstanding, enlightenment and marriage struggles. I am sending her strength to follow her natural need to be true self and I cheer for her success in transitioning to be fully the woman she is meant to be. Please be kind in comments.

So I started cross dressing when I was age six. All I wanted all my life was to fall in love with my best friend, get married and have a beautiful life. Growing up, there was something about me that was different from the others. I had a fondness of wanting to be a girl since I was age six. Throughout the years I tried to suppress these feelings but they came back stronger and stronger each time. I could go for some time without crossdressing and I thought maybe all I needed was to be in a loving relationship.

One afternoon I called my parents and explained that I was a cross dresser and that my wife had found out.

When I met my wife I fell in love, stopped crossdressing for years. We've got married of course, lived together and after 2 years I started crossdressing once again. Over the years I tried to suppress these feelings until one day my wife walked on me in her bra and panties. Needless to say, she was shocked, she didn't even know what a cross dresser was and honestly I wish I didn't either. It was always don't ask don't tell don't ever let her see a thing ever, so I hid it for years, she became so upset with me the marriage definitely suffered. It got to the point my parents questioned what was wrong in our relationship, I ended up getting drunk. One afternoon I called my parents and explained that I was a cross dresser and that my wife had found out. Being from their generation, they are very homophobic and did not understand I wanted them to know that this was important, that it was me and not my wife. So over the years I kept it hidden as best as I could.

 I asked this therapist specifically, please let me know if this is a fetish of fantasy or just some kind of dream, for the very least just cross dressing.

Two years ago I decided I wanted to go see a gender therapist to get her thoughts on what is going on. I asked this therapist specifically, please let me know if this is a fetish of fantasy or just some kind of dream, for the very least just cross dressing. Six weeks into therapy before I left, one day she explained to me that this is very real that I have severe gender dysphoria, and in her professional recommendation she advised that I start a regiment of hormone therapy and be serious about transitioning full-time as a woman. It was not about if I was going to transition, it was just a matter of when I was going to transition.

I explained to her that the therapist told me I have severe gender dysphoria, and in her professional opinion thought I should start even a small dose of hormone therapy.

A few months went by as I continued therapy once a week. My wife was going through the mail and found a bill for this therapist and questioned me. She said she had looked up the therapist and she was a specific therapist for gender issues. Of course she asked a million questions and I wasn't able to answer any of them. So I guess that was probably the answer that she didn't want to hear. We avoided talking about it for a few months and then one afternoon I let my my guard down and answered to the question if I was still seeing the gender therapist. I told her I was and she replied: if I was still seeing the gender therapist after 6 months there must be something that she sees that I'm going to continue wanting to move forward with my transition. I explained to her that the therapist told me I have severe gender dysphoria, and in her professional opinion thought I should start even a small dose of hormone therapy. I also told her that therapist thought that I should think about transitioning full-time, because it's just a matter of time that I won't be able to put these thoughts away.

My wife told me that day that our marriage has suffered for the past 22 years since she found out about the cross dressing.

My wife told me that day that our marriage has suffered for the past 22 years since she found out about the cross dressing. She said if this was something I needed to do she would support me either way but if I chose to start hormones in transition she would want a divorce to end our marriage. We have had a few conversations after this time and she keeps telling me to wait for my next life to experience what it is to be a woman. So I try to suppress this every waking moment of every day just hoping I can be the man she needs me to be. But knowing deep down I need to be the woman that I was meant to be.

I struggle with this everyday of my life. I go to bed dreaming that my wife would accidentally meet a wonderful man and fallen in love and that she would come to me and ask for a divorce so that she can continue her relationship with this amazing man. This way there would be no saving our marriage at this point. And it would then give me the ability to move on with my transition. I think within days of moving apart I would schedule the appointment with the endocrinologist. Have my blood work done and get my prescription to start transitioning into the woman who I was always meant to be.

I suffer a lot of guilt, I have a lot of fear moving forward that I'm going to do the wrong thing and ending my marriage. Speaking with so many of my friends that are going through transition in one stage or another, they all claim they wish they would have started sooner and have never been happier. Hopefully I will find this happiness sooner than later. To be continued...

-Jessalyn